My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
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Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Doggies just call it style.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.