My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.