My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
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Are you ok, human???
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
This is a whole mood;
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know