My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
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me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.