My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
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wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
True statement👍😏😁
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.