My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *


Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

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Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.


COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.


Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.


Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!


A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.


Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.


I’m sick of women always saying guys only have one thing on their minds. What a load of tits!


Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.