My retirement plan is to become a cat.
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I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
today a banana gave me heartburn and all iâm saying is m&ms donât do that shit
What did Jay-Z call BeyoncĂŠ before they got married?
FeyoncĂŠâŚ
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* whatâs the problem officer?
cop: it isnât safe to eat and drive
me: oh Iâm sorry
cop: Iâll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *youâre
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Dad loved to say âthereâs no price tag, must be free,â or, âthereâs no expiration date, must be good,â now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, đ¤Łđ¤Ł, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
When they said âHistory repeats itself,â I wasnât expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
God: youâre a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you canât fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well thatâs fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically thatâs not flying lol.
Googles âwhat happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie doughâ
[5 minutes later]
âtwiceâ
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. đ
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume