My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
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I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.