My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
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-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.