My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
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Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it