My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
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My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
The Joker was right
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
TODAY
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep