My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
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“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.