My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
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Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating