My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

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Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.


I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.


Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?


My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing


6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*


date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman


Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.


“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?