My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
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Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
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