My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
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it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up
“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.