(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
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My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.