My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
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best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!