@meantomyself

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

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@the_paramedicK

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

@TheAndrewNadeau

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

@NYC_Blonde

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

@4SLars

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

@ReticentTurnip

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

@WifeEyeSignal

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

@MattMcElaney

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

@Social_Mime

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

@Jez1

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot