My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
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if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.