My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
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[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Yep.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.