My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
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Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
when you order from DoorDastardly
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”