My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
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[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Isn’t
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
we’re dead?