My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
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Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
A classic…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
fair
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?