My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
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Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”