My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
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bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Life with a cat in one tweet
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.