My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
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Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
My flabber has been gasted.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I’m not proud
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?