My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
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I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Breaking news:
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?