My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
You Might Also Like
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Ah..makes sense now
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*