My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
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me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.