My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
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My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Google assistant rules
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Thoughts
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.