My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
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ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.