My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

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Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.


Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money


I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs


That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.


Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.


My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.


at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back


Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.


I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!