My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
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My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
LA today:
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
This will never not be funny 😭
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.