My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
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Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.