My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
You Might Also Like
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
it was a valiant fight
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”