my sentiments exactly
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Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.