My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
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One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.