My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
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By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.