My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
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This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.