My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
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me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
the dark web is just a goth google.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Greeting humans vs their dogs