My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
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Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Worst perfume name ever.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”