My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
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To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here