My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
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co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.