My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
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Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn鈥檛 ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Everyone knows you don鈥檛 need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You鈥檙e part of a cactus and I鈥檓 a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I鈥檓 so sorry
I鈥檓 in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Sounds about right. 馃槀馃ぃ
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[Review]
Boss: We鈥檒l be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card鈥檚 still cool.
B: Sorry again, It鈥檚 the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I鈥檓 a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
It鈥檚 not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.