My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
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What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
😅🤣😂
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.