My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
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my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.