My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
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My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this