My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.



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Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.


My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.


*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*


Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…


I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.


Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.


We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.


Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.


You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying


I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.