@chrisanna4real

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

You Might Also Like

@causticbob

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

@BradBroaddus

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

@Smooheed

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

@Clanopath

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

@sexncake

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

@1Happytwit

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

@longwall26

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

@mlinhart

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

@PeterMolydeux

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

@SchmuckOnAHorse

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.