my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
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Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.