My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
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Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.