My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
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Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!