My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
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2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
the world’s most popular steaming services
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”