My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
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The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.