@DrunjAF

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

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@briangaar

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

@TheAlexNevil

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

@sweetg35

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

@CulturedRuffian

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

@fro_vo

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

@EricaLynnz

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

@dyldonot

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

@UncleBob56

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.