My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
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Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already